The subject of my most hated Christmas song comes up every year. To hate any traditional Christmas song will immediately lead to suspicions that I am the Grinch, I know, but I hate so many songs, that there is bound to be a Christmas song or two.

Knowing full well, that you may suspect that my heart is two sizes two small, I want to discuss The Little Drummer Boy. No, I don’t dislike this song because of its historical inaccuracy. I’ll let that go since we are not actually discussing the theology of the Little Drummer Boy. I generally leave my historical criticisms at “who are all those white guys in the nativity scene?” No, its not the twisting of history that bothers me; its the message. Yes, I hate the message of that song.

If you’ve spent much time in church, you know what a horrible temptation a microphone can be. Every church has at least one person that, if not properly restrained, will desire to serve the Lord with the one gift he has not given them: song. Lack of talent will not stop this person, for it is not the Lord they are after but the wonderful attention that only a microphone brings. How many songs have been butchered? How many wonderful worship moments have been ruined because one person decided that was the time and place for them to belt an off-key rendition of whatever sappy quasi-Christian country song happens to be popular that week? That person, my friends, is the Little Drummer Boy.

I cannot imagine a single woman I know appreciating a small child banging his drum around her newborn baby. Yet, the Little Drummer Boy seems to think it is perfectly acceptable for him to torture the eardrums of Mary, Joseph, some humble shepherds, and the infant Jesus.

Now, some will say that the song is not about that at all. They will plead with me that the Little Drummer Boy plays his drum because it is his talent, his gift. It is all he has to give to Jesus. They will argue that the Little Drummer Boy sets an example for us all by giving his talents to the Lord.

I agree. If that is what the Little Drummer Boy does, then he is setting a fine example. However, that only holds true IF the Little Drummer Boy can actually play the drums. However, if he cannot play the drums; if that is not his gift; then all he is showing is an example of selfish pride. And I submit to you that the Little Drummer Boy is no drummer at all.

Consider for a moment what a drummer does. At the core of his art, the drummer has one function: to keep the time. That is what a drummer does. In fact, a drummer can do nothing else at all if he cannot first keep the time. However, in the song, “The Little Drummer Boy” it clearly states that the “ox and lamb kept time.” If you are depending on the livestock to keep the beat, my friend, you are not a drummer.

The Little Drummer boy has secured his place in Christmas tradition on the basis that he could play the drums; that it is all he could do. In reality, he can’t. He is not a drummer. Playing the drums is not his gift to bring, but his own ego demanding attention. I say its high time we send him off to figure out what he can do and stop that infernal racket!